Twilight Fan Girl

Oh Twilight fan girl

Sitting down the aisle from me on the bus

It's okay that you read really really shitty "literature"

I'm still willing

To discreetly photograph you with my phone

And

You will live in there,

with me,

Forever

You never know what you have until...

So I've have had some spare time lately don't you know? Spare time calls for a deep house cleaning! Deep cleaning a house means finding relics from the past. Two scrapbooks created by my Grandmother when I must have been something like 4 and 7 years old to be exact. They're pretty nice, sort of two feet tall by one foot wide affairs filled with poems, magazine clippings, puzzles and captioned family photographs. I remember staring at some of the pictures in them when I was a child for god knows how long, letting the words and images fill my mind and salvage something remotely inspired out of the tiny ball of creative potential my small self was. I'm such a bastard.

This past boxing day I lost my Grandmother. I wish I could tell you about her in depth, but I was a terrible Grandson you see. For as much as this wonderful woman doted on me in my extreme youth I ignored her in my teen and adult years. No letters you understand. No ring on the phone. Would of took five seconds to do, but every time I thought of it... I just didn't. I walked away, apparently occupying my time with frivolous activities was more... what? Convenient? Playing video games, smoking a bowl, wanton defacement of public property could somehow fill my teenaged mind's overwhelming urge for instant gratification and gave me a sense of my place in this world that getting to know my roots could never possibly do? Better to occupy myself with those things instead of those people who made me, well, me I suppose.

Bastard! What happened here? If I am a product of my surroundings, then what could I have encountered in my short history on this earth that would turn me into something so crass? So uncaring of those who took the time to care for me? I can't be looking at a future of nothing but regret for my own tactless behavior can I? Lord and Lady I hope not. I suppose I could rationalize my behavior in more than a few ways. Being a base brat for the first half of all my existence I learned that roots were a vegetable. We played at best friends, but when it came time to go we knew that good-bye was not "so long," it was forever. Disposable people were my way of life.

But there comes a point when the excuses mean less and less. Regret is healthy when one can appreciate it for its motivational purposes, use it to exact change and personal growth. What I'm feeling is natural, I know that. I want to change. There is hope here.

Fired again!

Hi internet. I got fired. I seem to get fired a lot. I've been fired three times in as many hundred days. It's not like I don't know why either. Here are the reasons for the last three times chronologically, starting with the longest time ago and ending with the job I got fired from this week.

1. The Convenience Store: I hated that job. I acted like a dick to people all the time. Too many complaints, so I got fired. Assholes.

2. The Restaurant: I was a server. I liked that job. They hired 5 of us at the same time even though they were going out of business. They didn't tell us that they were in danger of going out of business. Then they fired us to save the restaurant. Then they lost the restaurant. Assholes. But funny in the end.

3. The Furnace Cleaning Company: They hired me knowing I would be going back to school next fall. They assured me (all of us) multiple times that no one would be fired for lack of business, ever. LIKE EVER! Like it has never happened and will never happen. Then, with no warning whatsoever... they fired me. 'Cause I would be going back to school in September, and since business was slow they couldn't keep me around. Assholes.

I'm angry, because I could have lied to the Furnace Cleaning Company but didn't. I was upfront with my intentions with the job, letting them know when I would be planning to leave. They did not repay the courtesy at the time of hiring when they could have told me that they were probably only going to keep me around for when it was busy, and in fact actively told me (all of us) that my position was safe there.

But I'm mostly just angry because it feels like I'm putting my future into other peoples hands. I have no choice but to trust these people that they will not be screwing me over, interrupting my life plans, endangering me of becoming homeless and/or working at a fast food chain and humiliating me in front of my friends and family as I once again attempt to explain to them why I am jobless and why all of my planning and scheming will likely not come into fruition. And then they do. Assholes.

(Yes, I do realize that all of that really doesn't apply to the Convenience Store. But seriously, have you ever worked in a convenience store? It sucks donkey balls. Every other customer just treats you like total shit just because they can and know you can't do anything about it. Fuck that.)

But being fired is not so bad. One door closes, another one opens and all that. Here are my plans for being fired, not necessarily in the order that they will be accomplished, but probably:

1. Write this blog. It's good to have routine when you're fired. It puts off depression. We need to feel productive so we can feel good about ourselves.

2. Watch Michael Cera movies, or movies that he is in, as many of them as I can. I don't even really like Michael Cera all that much, really. He's alright. He's pretty good I guess. I have watched Juno and Nick and Norah already, and I'm gonna watch Superbad and Paperheart next. Maybe I should go see Youth in Revolt. If that's still in theater.

3. Build a gigantic pyramid out of empty Fresca cans on my coffee table. One that will be so high it will reach my ceiling. I'm five cans in. I'll post pictures! Fresca is good, because it has no sugar (in the biz' this is called "sugar-free") and actually tastes really citrusy, unlike sprite and 7-up which just taste sugary and syrupy.

4. Get a job, obviously.

5. Read Dale Carnegie's book "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Because I wanna get really popular and have lot's of friends. So far I have finished the first chapter. The first principal is "Don't criticize, condemn, or complain." That sounds really hard to do when taking into consideration my own personal shortcomings and limitations, but I will try.

6. Get out. Like, out of this house. This goal should go well with goal 4 I think.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm so upset. This could be a great opportunity for me. That job payed quite poorly and the next one might be better, to begin with. I should not be trying to derive satisfaction in life from the lame jay-oh-bee that I am working anyway. I know this. I should focus my attentions on the things that nourish my soul and enrich my personal being. There is opportunity here. There is hope. I could make a empty Fresca can pyramid, 'cause I alway wanted to and now I have the time! So I'm gonna blog about that.